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Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Give A Shit About Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Performance

1. In case you somehow missed it, Mariah Carey royally fucked up her New Year’s Eve performance.

2. After the performance, people on the internet were screaming that Mariah was “over” or “the last causality of 2016.”

After the performance, people on the internet were screaming that Mariah was "over" or "the last causality of 2016."

5. The thing is, that’s all dumb bullshit. You are all wrong. Let me explain…

The thing is, that's all dumb bullshit. You are all wrong. Let me explain...

Eugene Gologursky / Getty Images

6. First of all, Mariah Carey has sold more than 200 million albums.

First of all, Mariah Carey has sold more than 200 million albums.

7. She has won five Grammy awards.

She has won five Grammy awards.

Afp / AFP / Getty Images

8. She has two beautiful children…

She has two beautiful children...

9. …and her kids will be friends with Beyoncé’s kids, which means they will be like power kids or something.

...and her kids will be friends with Beyoncé's kids, which means they will be like power kids or something.

10. She’s flies all over the world in private jets looking like this:

She's flies all over the world in private jets looking like this:

11. She can sing in five octaves and has been called the highest pitched contemporary singer of our time.

She can sing in five octaves and has been called the highest pitched contemporary singer of our time.

Timothy A. Clary / AFP / Getty Images

12. In 2001, she signed a $80 million record contract with Virgin Records. In 2002, she was GIVEN FOR FREE $28 million to leave Virgin Records. That same year, she signed a $20 million contract with Def Jam. What does this mean? SHE’S RICH AS FUCK.

In 2001, she signed a $80 million record contract with Virgin Records. In 2002, she was GIVEN FOR FREE $28 million to leave Virgin Records. That same year, she signed a $20 million contract with Def Jam. What does this mean? SHE'S RICH AS FUCK.

13. She also made $27 million in 2015 alone.

She also made $27 million in 2015 alone.

Boom.

14. She literally bathes in jewels…

She literally bathes in jewels...

15. …and is always going on crazy, fabulous, rich vacations.

...and is always going on crazy, fabulous, rich vacations.

16. Here she is making pizza in Italy:

Here she is making pizza in Italy:

That outfit.

17. Over the course of her 27 year career, Mariah has had 18 number one songs. Let’s list them out for fun:

Over the course of her 27 year career, Mariah has had 18 number one songs. Let's list them out for fun:

Columbia Records

18. #1

#1

Columbia Records

19. #1

#1

Columbia Records

20. #1

#1

Columbia Records

21. #1

#1

Columbia Records

22. #1

#1

Columbia Records

23. #1

#1

Columbia Records

24. #1

#1

Columbia Records

25. #1

#1

Def Jam

26. #1

#1

Def Jam

27. #1

#1

Def Jam

28. #1

#1

Columbia Records

29. #1

#1

Columbia Records

30. #1

#1

Columbia Records

31. #1

#1

Columbia Records

32. #1

#1

Columbia Records

33. #1

#1

Columbia Records

34. #1

#1

Columbia Records

35. And #1. “One Sweet Day” was #1 for 16 weeks which makes it the longest-running #1 in Billboard history.

And #1. "One Sweet Day" was #1 for 16 weeks which makes it the longest-running #1 in Billboard history.

Columbia Records

36. She’s spent a total of 79 weeks at #1. That’s literally insane. Your faves will never.

She's spent a total of 79 weeks at #1. That's literally insane. Your faves will never.

Timothy A. Clary / AFP / Getty Images

37. She also has basically one of the only “modern day” Christmas classics of the past 30 years.

She also has basically one of the only "modern day" Christmas classics of the past 30 years.

Columbia Records

38. To wrap it up, Mariah has millions of fans all over the world.

To wrap it up, Mariah has millions of fans all over the world.

39. She has her own iconic catch-phrase.

40. She rides the subway wearing gowns.

She rides the subway wearing gowns.

41. And is, without a doubt, an undisputed LEGEND. She will be fine and she doesn’t give a fuck.

And is, without a doubt, an undisputed LEGEND. She will be fine and she doesn't give a fuck.

Patrick Hertzog / AFP / Getty Images

42. Mariah Carey is one of the most successful artists in music history. She will be around forever.

Mariah Carey is one of the most successful artists in music history. She will be around forever.

Eugene Gologursky / Getty Images

43. Last but not least, almost EVERY pop singer lip syncs. This is a non-issue! Bye!

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